his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
