dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
