the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
