I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
