its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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