Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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