If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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