We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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