I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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