i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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