Im at strip club and am horny
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
