two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
