Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
