I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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