So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
