I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
