I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Randomize
