I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Randomize
