I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
