I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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