i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
