Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
