1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Randomize
