i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
