# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
