Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
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