You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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