Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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