In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
