End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Randomize
