the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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