Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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