I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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