I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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