Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
