I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
