My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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