He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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