you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
