I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
