No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
