It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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