Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
