i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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