i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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