Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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