I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
