if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
i think my cat just said my name.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
not ubering you a puppy
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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