remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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