I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
