Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
