I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
